How do I get my husband onboard to go to couples therapy?

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Men seem to be a little more adverse to the idea of therapy, and with the messaging they’ve been raised with in a patriarchal society, who can blame them?! 

“Boys don’t cry”, 

“Real men don’t need to ask for help”

“Feelings are for pussies”. 

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By asking him to attend couple’s therapy, you’re not only asking that he challenge messages that have been internalized since birth but you’re also asking him to walk into what he may potentially view as a lion’s den: (Usually) another woman to align with his wife, who will drag him through the mud and tell him all the things HE’S doing wrong without finding any fault in his partner. (BTW NOT true of any good therapist!)

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Um, fuck that.Thankyouverymuch. 

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I get it. 

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One way to help him buy in is to encourage that he participate in choosing the therapist. Make a fun activity of scrolling Psychologytoday.com and searching for couple’s therapists in your area. Do it over beers, and have a few laughs at the ones you could NEVER go to. Start narrowing down the characteristics, training, and specifications that you both will find important in reaching your goals. 

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Which also brings me to: IDENTIFY your goals! 

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Therapy is NOT punishment. It should not only be a last ditch effort to save a relationship. It is an opportunity to prioritize and invest in something you find VERY important: your relationship. Make sure you communicate that to your husband. Talk about ways you can make your relationship stronger together and what a therapist will bring to the table for the two of you. 

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When you go in aligned on a mission, with a therapist you are BOTH comfortable with, you’re going to see the best results. 

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If that doesn’t work, no worries. Systems Theory shows consistently that it only takes ONE person to effectively change a system. Going on your own CAN impact you both positively; maybe you can convince him to join you once he starts seeing results!