Last week, during my Therapy Thursday talk on Tech, I bitched out. It really bugged me, so I feel like this is an opportunity to redeem yourself. If you don’t have kids and aren’t planning to have any, this may not be an interesting Fundamental Friday for you and I apologize in advance.

Alright, so I got a question, saying “Thoughts on tech for your toddlers? iPads?”

I was triggered. I am super ADAMANTLY against iPads for my toddlers if I’m completely honest. BUT I also really intentionally avoid talking about any sort of parenting decisions on my page because I have realized that it’s an important boundary for ME to keep my sanity to not tell others how to parent. I was in a kerfuffle.

I chose to bypass the question with a really basic answer: “How you parent is up to you!” UUUUuuuuuugh. It was such a soft move. And I wouldn’t be surprised if I lost some trust from y’all in the process so I’m sorry. After all, I’m a god damn marriage and family therapist, of course people are asking me about parenting! Here are my true thoughts on it and some of the research I’ve used to come to my conclusion:

First of all, from birth to age three, your kid is learning RAPID FIRE, like at genius level. 85% of the brain’s lifelong growth occurs during the first three years–even in the helpless little lump stage of a newborn. Babies are CONSTANTLY taking in their surroundings using all five of their senses to learn the basics of things like cognition, connection, security, empathy, language, emotion, social norms, etc.

Because all five of the senses – sight, sound, taste, touch, smell – are SUCH important learning tools at this age, toys should encourage the practice of using sensory curiosity and imagination. iPads (and many other similar light up, musical toys) do not offer this opportunity. Even if “educational games” are being played they only create a limited behavioral learning of action and reward which is NOT helpful in creating curious learners. In fact, only learning in this way can stunt the other important aspects of learning at that age, potentially causing a more frustrated, more frequently tantruming child.

This is because rather than encouraging and praising effort and imagination, many of these toys have only one “successful” response to gain reward and praise. Oftentimes too in these products, the reward is a sensory overload of dings, lights and sounds that naturally lights up our brains reward systems making them want to continue playing to win repeatedly. Can you think of another machine that does this? Ahem… Slot machines… which we know (especially in Las Vegas) can be habit forming and in fact, truly addicting. It can become difficult to take away the iPad that is literally releasing dopamine and feel good chemicals and reintroduce simpler toys where they have to rely on a much slower (but healthier) process of imagination to get to that same headspace.

So knowing this, and also seeing some of these articles that state that parents in Silicon Valley (um, the CREATORS of these products) don’t allow their kids to use tech until adolescence, my husband and I decided to set a simple goal of not allowing iPads for our kids until we absolutely NEEDED to. Up until now, we’ve abstained.

Better options are toys or even things around the house that will encourage free, independent play and can be utilized in a variety of different games or activities. I’m creating a list of some of our favorite go to toys here. Books are a great way to facilitate learning, help your toddler to practice stillness, and also maintain engagement. Also, MOVEMENT is just as important for our babies as it is for us.

Look, I really don’t want to shame anyone. I GET most parents are simply trying to do their best, keep up with the technology and what other parents are doing, and more often than not trying to buy some peace and quiet! And that’s honestly our biggest struggle most times too. We’ve had really difficult road trips, church services where more time was spent outside than in a pew, miserable dinners out, I could go on. But as the founder of Fundamental Health my go-to question in so many areas of life has become, “What did people do BEFORE this lifestyle became the norm?” and that makes it easier to just persist. Honestly, the more we learn to be in super uncomfortable situations with screaming toddlers (hello airplane rides!) the easier it gets for US as parents to learn to deal.

As promised, here are a few additional resources to help you make your best decisions about tech for your toddlers:

• World Health Organization Guidelines
• This Ted Talk actually talks about opportunities in screen learning
• I don’t know why the American Academy of Pediatrics has an error currently, but here is there link and it’s normally under a search for Screentime

And if you have any questions or concerns about your child’s development I refer to this CDC Milestone list regularly for myself and my clients. There’s even an app!

I hope this helps you in choosing how to engage your own kids. It feels good to get all this knowledge off my chest in a way that can help others! As always, I’m very open to discussion on the topic and would love to hear your thoughts,so feel free to respond with any comments or questions to this email!

XOXO – Lindsey