I have been taking some extra time to catch up on some casework at Starbucks because when I try to work from home I get very little accomplished—I just need to clean this and straighten this up and does Maria need help with the baby? You understand. I usually sit next to the same guys and we’ll take quick breaks or bust each other’s balls about staying more focused on work than our phones, etc.  I happened to mention to them that I have a seven-month-old at home.  And they know my line of work, so one guy’s response was “Wait, who is she with? Don’t you feel like that can have longstanding effects on her being without her mother, Ms. Therapist?” 

I was fuming.  But so shocked I couldn’t even process the emotion.  I laughed it off and said I was sure she’d be fine and went along with his following (borderline racist) joke that at least she was most likely learning Spanish.  I mean, she was. I had specifically sought out a bilingual nanny for that very reason…  But, clearly he had to be joking, right? Haven’t we evolved further than the idea that Moms should spend the first months and years at home solely to raise new children?

When I went home and had some time to really ruminate on this brief conversation–very healthy for a future Therapist right? We all have our flaws!  I told myself to get to the root of what was bothering me.  After all, jokes from strangers don’t mean anything unless YOU let them.  I vented on Instagram (also healthy) and then started brainstorming.  I knew my motherhood felt attacked, but why? Why did I flush at their question and feel heat on the back of my neck? 

I spent a while finding all the perfect arguments that I wish I had used to rebut the statement. I did all the math to how many hours weekly Adelyn spends with me and then how many with her father.  I argued in my head that we really focus on her time with us and with Maria being quality time. We don’t allow cartoons or tablets or phones to distract her, all of her learning and eating and routine-creating is done one on one with us.  I have spent YEARS planning for this child and even still constantly find new things to research about her development and her attachment and how to best help her to thrive.  So why did my decision to have someone help me with my baby suddenly feel so dirty and neglectful?  And there it was.  The help.  I had asked for help.  

That is so frowned upon in so many ways, and in so many aspects of our society.  It is perceived as codependence, or greed, or laziness—all of which are shameful.  That hot flush and flash of anger were typical reactions to shame; I should have caught that sooner!  And if I  (who is trained in emotional identification and regulation) felt it so heavily and retreated, I can only imagine how others are dealing with it daily. Our culture has made asking for help a weakness rather than the strength that it is, regardless of what it might pertain to! Asking for help maybe financially, emotionally, as a mom, or hell even just in having someone eye your parking job has become so hard to do!  Naturally, as a budding therapist the first thing this made me think of was how we struggle to reach as many people as we might like.  That feeling of shame was a great reminder as to why that might be the case. 

Owning one’s troubles with mental health has become commended and is a hot topic as a way for others to find connection (though it’s usually done on social media rather than in person *facepalm*).  But talking about it with your peers is not necessarily the healthiest way to deal with the struggles of mental distress.  Finding solidarity and commiserating is not asking for help, and instead keeps the population stagnant in their troubles rather than initiating any improvement.  In fact, despite the rise in acknowledging problems with mental health, our rates in addiction and suicide are the highest we’ve ever seen in our country.  Do you find that shocking? I don’t.  We hear all the time that suicide attempts are made as “a cry for help”.  And they’re happening in record numbers! So just to clarify the importance of this, more people are trying to KILL THEMSELVES before they feel comfortable asking another human being for help. That says so much about our shaming culture and our inability to deal with the discomfort of being shamed. 

Therapists are trained to help a person who is struggling through their darkest time to find light.  But they’re also trained to help a person to better understand unhelpful thought patterns and create new ones.  They’re trained to help people find better, more meaningful connection in their relationships and to allow unhealthy relationships fall by the wayside.  They’re trained to help a person better value themselves and prioritize their self-esteem.  Without going into too much more detail, therapists are trained to help those who are in the darkest despair, but also to help the relatively healthy to become even healthier in their thinking.  But at the end of the day, therapists are only able to help those who are strong enough to seek the help in the first place, and that’s truly half the battle.  Asking for help, before it is absolutely imperative and detrimental should be lauded and prideful and seen as a sign of strength rather than weakness.  It would certainly make us all healthier in the long run. 

So, to those guys at Starbucks? Suck it. I’m a great fucking mom. My daughter is learning Spanish, yeah, but she’s also learning that strong women find ways to pursue their dreams while making time for a family.  She’s learning that her father’s role is just as important to her growth as her mother’s.  She’s learning that relying on other people for help when you need it to reach bigger goals is totally okay, and acceptable, and smart.  OR, to be completely honest, she’ll probably be too young to remember any of this to begin with and that is probably what I should have responded with.

XOXO – Lindsey Paoli